The Fugitive

When I was a kid, I loved TV shows whose main characters were outcasts and loners; The Fugitive, Branded, The Incredible Hulk.

The thought of being free from everything and everyone, never having to get close but always on the move, following the lonely yet noble road, spoke to something deep inside of me. It felt safe from the pain and difficulties of life, the pain and difficulties of relationships. If I were to wander unattached, no harm could come to me, and should difficulties come my way I could simply move on, even from those I had formed a bond with, carrying the warn, comforting, glow of loss in my heart whilst I strode into the wild blue yonder with a wistful smile upon my lips.

To an extent I lived a version of this for a good chunk of my life. In my younger adult years I would fall in and out of romantic relationships with ease, ending them while the going was good to ensure feeling safe, and not having to face myself. The one time in my late twenties I let this slip, I was devastated by the end of what became a 7 year relationship, the pain of which brought me to the darkest of places.

I then wandered from here to there for the next twenty years, both emotionally and physically, keeping my distance, whilst also seeking connection. It was a delicate balancing act, aided by partying, weed and India.

However, somewhere along the way I was always learning, a deeper wiser part of me would from time to time emerge and help guide me, which in time brought me to where I am now; settled, and in a loving and nourishing, committed relationship, in which I will happily spend the rest of my days. To this day, when trouble brews and difficulties arise, I can feel that desire to ‘break free’ arise. The idea that all I need do is to cut loose and move on has a powerful allure. However, I am wiser now, and I know that is a lonely path to take, and a path that ultimately will break my heart. I yearn for connection, love and mutual respect; I yearn to care about others and for them to care about me, and now I am learning that this will always involve friction, it will always involve difficulties, and it is in facing these that one comes to know oneself, to gain compassion for oneself and for others. It is how I will grow, and my relationships will deepen, it is how I will become more of the man I want to be, and others will want to know.