THE HONEY DEW CAFE CHRONICLES

Category: Musing

  • Reaction

    What do I know?

    Where do I react from?

    I can feel slighted, picked upon, have my nose put out of joint. Is it based on anything, or is it just old muddy water being stirred up clouding my vision?

    A lot of the time I really don’t know. I hear something, feel something, first inside and then it grows and grows, until, unless I am very sharp and clear sighted, very grounded and in tune, it spills out into the world and the merry-go-round begins.

    It always feels, of course, their fault. They said this, they did that, but what of it? And anyway in that state, and that which follows how can I know anything? The amygdala has locked and loaded, the cortisol and adrenaline are up and running, and all now is a threat to be repelled.

    Or, unfortunately, as so often is the case, to poke and aggravate even more, at times turning the relatively benign into the hostile.

    I am human, and therefore I am a reactive being.

    I react.

    The reaction is often strong.

    I start to go further off the rails until it is hard to come back.

    Oh dear.

    How to deal with this?

    Well, it starts here. By noticing, and then by reacting a little less often, or at least by noticing the reaction and seeing if I can let it ride out. Time moves very first when the adrenaline is up so alertness is required, brakes must be applied toute sweet.

    And then a breath, and another breath, and then one more.

    Only then, as the reaction subsides, can I evaluate what I have heard, or seen, and then respond. Respond from a place of wisdom and understanding.

    I fail at this often, and the fall out lingers, fingers get pointed, blame gets laid.

    However, each time I fail I can learn.  Each time I notice I have failed, I can wrap myself in love and compassion, forgive myself, forgive my perceived tormentor and vow to try again.

    This way success will grow in the bright light of failure. It probably has already, yet the depth of feeling when feeling slighted is strong and it feels there is no hope.

    There is hope.

    Is begins now.

    Today.

    It grows in every failure seen.

    It grows in every success celebrated. This is my quest, and its reward will be mine and all those I know and love.

  • Emotional Presence

    I was taking part in an online session with a men’s group that I am part of, the Man Program led by Andy Nathan. We were on week 6 of ‘The Masks Men Wear’, and looking into what Andy had named as the mask of the ‘Uninitiated Man’.

    We went in pairs to breakout rooms to examine a few questions, the crux of which was “… are you effectively forcing your partner to be the ‘Man of the House’ emotionally, so you can stay the ‘Child’… If she started acting exactly like you tomorrow – be reactive, check-out – would your family survive?”.

    Well my first reaction was, well of course not. Dorothy and I are do regular dialogues and go deep into many a difficult topic, and always come to a better place for it. Then in the course of the discussion I  had with my breakout buddy I had a quick and sudden realisation: “oh shit, yes I do!”.

    Now, this is not to say I don’t ever take the initiative and bring things forward, difficult and challenging things at times, but on the whole it is Dorothy who brings the truly sticky stuff forward, subjects I often feel uncomfortable with and feel quite defensive and resentful about.

    I realised that I often scold myself for not bringing up this and that, or even find myself saying to myself “… what about…? And, … huh, why don’t I ever challenge her on this…”, and I realised it could often be a rather childish and petulant response. What an eye opener!

    I am a pretty emotionally mature and self-reflective man, yet I still have these behaviour patterns that go way back, default modes of behaviour I hardly even notice because they are so ingrained. I only notice the reactions, not the behaviour pattern.

    It all, of course goes back to childhood, not being taught how do to things any differently, and certainly in my case not having any fatherly guidance. I was totally abandoned by my father, and then my surrogate father, and my mother was often distant, dealing with her own struggles, so a lot of the time my family operated in a purely functional, though loving, way.

    No wonder this is how I largely operate within relationships. Doing, being practical, getting things done and so forth, whilst thinking I am wonderfully emotionally available when a lot of the time I am not, and Dorothy is usually the one who has to pull us back on track when we are beginning to lose connection and are in danger of drifting apart, whilst I quietly tiptoe along thinking that as long as I don’t make any waves, and get ‘the jobs done’ all will be grand.

    But no this is not good enough, and to answer the other question, “… what if she started acting exactly like you tomorrow?” , well we would slowly drift further and further apart, until our relationship became emptier and emptier and then died altogether.

    So, now I see it, now I realise it. It does not mean that things will suddenly be oh, so easy, no, but it does mean that I now know where the work is, the work that I need to do, and will keep on needing to do.

    This journey, working with others, to work on myself to become a better man, a man that my beloved can see and trust and rely upon, feel safe with, is profound and is always ongoing, and always requiring vigilance. It requires doing the work, and it is worth it.

    Yes, at times it will make me feel uncomfortable and resentful, tired and even angry, but I am able to always return to the core of this endeavour and see why it feels that way. It feels that because something deeply ingrained, that needs to be examined and challenged is being put in the spotlight and is resisting. Bring it on. I thank Dorothy for her persistence and vigilance in bringing important things to my attention, and I thank myself for engaging with it and feeling what I feel and reflecting on it and then doing the work. I have a come a long way, and the journey goes on, the journey to be man I want to be: there, visible, reliable, strong, vulnerable, honest, a man of integrity, and to be seen as such.

  • The Fugitive

    When I was a kid, I loved TV shows whose main characters were outcasts and loners; The Fugitive, Branded, The Incredible Hulk.

    The thought of being free from everything and everyone, never having to get close but always on the move, following the lonely yet noble road, spoke to something deep inside of me. It felt safe from the pain and difficulties of life, the pain and difficulties of relationships. If I were to wander unattached, no harm could come to me, and should difficulties come my way I could simply move on, even from those I had formed a bond with, carrying the warn, comforting, glow of loss in my heart whilst I strode into the wild blue yonder with a wistful smile upon my lips.

    To an extent I lived a version of this for a good chunk of my life. In my younger adult years I would fall in and out of romantic relationships with ease, ending them while the going was good to ensure feeling safe, and not having to face myself. The one time in my late twenties I let this slip, I was devastated by the end of what became a 7 year relationship, the pain of which brought me to the darkest of places.

    I then wandered from here to there for the next twenty years, both emotionally and physically, keeping my distance, whilst also seeking connection. It was a delicate balancing act, aided by partying, weed and India.

    However, somewhere along the way I was always learning, a deeper wiser part of me would from time to time emerge and help guide me, which in time brought me to where I am now; settled, and in a loving and nourishing, committed relationship, in which I will happily spend the rest of my days. To this day, when trouble brews and difficulties arise, I can feel that desire to ‘break free’ arise. The idea that all I need do is to cut loose and move on has a powerful allure. However, I am wiser now, and I know that is a lonely path to take, and a path that ultimately will break my heart. I yearn for connection, love and mutual respect; I yearn to care about others and for them to care about me, and now I am learning that this will always involve friction, it will always involve difficulties, and it is in facing these that one comes to know oneself, to gain compassion for oneself and for others. It is how I will grow, and my relationships will deepen, it is how I will become more of the man I want to be, and others will want to know.